Because Of You (feat. Matt Ngesa)

I've had a lot of words
I've had a lot of choices, but the silence is my vocal point
You've stolen all my air
I'm trying to breathe in silent, but I'm panting with the overtone
I can't even tell you if it's real, these feelings inside me
One day I'm a rainbow in the field, the next thing I'm cloudy, so cloudy

I remember when we first met
We took a trip to our family reunion
The night in the lounge, all forty of us in fact
Everything was fine till I heard that
Mom cryin' out to my dad in terror
I couldn't see him though I'm lookin' past the leather
I'm tryna' get a view around the crowd and then I
Finally see my dad on the floor, he's tremblin
I don't know what's going on, so I start to cry
He can't control himself, they're holdin' down his spine
They took me away and said that he'll be fine
But the next few years I was traumatized
Oh, and you were there
You were fillin' my nights with tears
And all of those thoughts with fear
And you were tellin' me that I might not see my dad again
That that brain tumor might come back again
Oh we met, but now we were well acquainted
You always brought sadness to my life, I hate it
You taught me to be numb to all the pain I'm takin'
So now I'm fourteen and I'm startin' to get jaded
I hate you, I seen you after my relation
The second time we met still left me feeling vacant, yeah
And I've been tryna' keep this story from raisin'
'Cause this part's so hard that I wrote this shakin'
She was the girl of my dreams at a young age
And I regret all the mistakes I made
'Cause it got out of hand like the wind I was grabbin'
By the time I looked around, I didn't even know what happened
'Cause the look on my own mother's face
My life's worst part to date, I swear
When my parents read my own text back to me
I learned what it means to be ashamed, I'm done

Now you've got me trippin'
You know it
Controller on a mission
You hold me so tight in your hands
I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

Now you've got me trippin'
You know it
Controller on a mission
You hold me so tight in your hands
I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

Flash forward to today, doesn't get much better
I though that we were done, but with every letter
That I write, I feel you lookin' past my shoulder
You spit into my ear and tell me I'm a failure
You tell me I'm not good enough, a broken dream
I don't got it in my genes like you ripped the seams
It seems everything that I do is in vain
That my story's not good, that I don't know pain
But I do know a thing or two about commitment
I've seen parents start splittin', their lives diminished
I've seen friends lose it all in a bottle they sippin'
I've seen this music industry is full of bad decisions
So I use this pen, tell the story of others
But you yellin' at my face, tellin' me not to bother
I know deep down I'll just let everyone down
I still feel alone, but there's people all around because of you
Because of you, but is this normal to be feelin' like this?
To be a leader, but be consumed by the ships
That bring regret into my deepest abyss?
I been drownin' in your darkness and I'm stuck in your grips
Why can't I lose you? I been on the find myself path
Drown myself in work, but really it never lasts
Perfectionist, nut really I'm afraid to fail
That's another mask that I use, you taught me well
How to hide my insecurities
I know your doubts wanna take a turn on me
You got me really feelin' like a waste
Like I have no purpose and all I am is fake
I was trapped in your prison so tight
Cryin' out for help and feelin' scared every night
'Cause there was way too many times I almost ended my life
And it's all because of you, I've never been alright
I'm done, I'm done

Now you've got me trippin'
You know it
Controller on a mission
You hold me so tight in your hands
I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

Dear depression, it's me again
It's been a little while since we last spoke
I know that when we talked, it got heated
But now I'm thinking 'bout the times I felt defeated by you
I mean, it's interesting, isn't it?
That pain that you brought had some good hidden into it
I see that when I'm broken, I gotta start hopin' in something
What you did made me stronger
Like the time when my father was going through the surgeries
Was barely out of nursery, but it made me so frikkin' appreciative of him
It made me deep down wanna thank him and love him
So thank you
Or the time when my mistakes were made public as a youngin'
With that girl that I thought I made a life with or somethin', oh, yeah
Those trials by fire
Burnt by the flames, but came out like a diamond
And with my music you made me lose it, it's back again
You won't ever prohibit me writin' with this pen
You helped me really understand what my purpose was
And now I really see what the hurtin' does
Depression
Because of you, I am who I am
I knew there was a reason me and you became friends
You taught me how to love others better
And how to always be there for my family and friends
You see, people, I'm not alone in my music
It's a gift and I always wanna use it
So if you ever been affected by these lyrics
Don't forget the pain it took to get you to it
Now let's begin

You've got me trippin' where I stepped
You know it
Controller, you've made me all a mess
You hold me so tight in your hands
I'm far from death, but your claws are tearing deep into my neck

Now you've got me trippin'
You know it
Controller on a mission
You hold me so tight in your hands
I'm far from death, but your claws are sinking deep into my chest

To those that are battling with depression, know that you're not alone
There is hope