The Simple Plot Of Metal Gear Solid

Hello, and welcome back
To another episode of Talking Video Games
We continue today in our series of games with simple plots
Guests, please introduce yourselves
And tell us the plots of your games
I'm the chef from Burger Time!
I make-a the burgers!
Hello, I'm centipede. I just kinda move down the screen
Hey, I'm Snake from Metal Gear Solid
My game's got a pretty simple story
Snake, I don't see your name on the list
Ah, my friend Cloud Strife told me to come
On this show and talk about it
Oh God, no

It was the distant future, two thousand and five
All I wanted to do was chill out and retire
But genetically enhanced renegades, named Foxhound
Stole a bunch of nukes and had shit on lockdown
Okay we're past our time limit, Snake!

Colonel Campbell said I had to infiltrate
Before they start a nuclear conflict
What a bunch of jerks!
[Host:] You're a bag of dicks

I climbed through an air vent and saved two guys
They shared top secrets and suddenly died
Of two heart attacks right out of thin air
Both within five minutes!
Oh my God, I don't care!
Then I met Meryl, a hot box of rocks
And I fought a gunslinger named Ocelot
But a cyborg ninja cut his hand away
You know, normal shit that happens every day

Listen Snake, there must have been a mistake
On this show you've got to get right to the point of your game
Like the ship from Galaga
[Galaga Ship (RubberNinja):] Hi, I shoot stuff in space
And this car from Pole Position
I'm a car!
That's great!

You know we've been through this before with your boy Cloud Strife
And he talked too long I contemplated ending my life
So let's keep things nice and simple like the hero over there
From the Atari game Adventure
I'm literally just a yellow square!

Who cares
I tried really hard to find a mech named Rex
And the ninja came back in the mix like Chex
It was Grey Fox and I fought Vulcan Raven
A big motherfuckin' Alaskan shaman
So I killed that guy but before he died
He said Meryl liked me, I almost cried
She's a little hottie pants, ooh-meow!
It would be so great if you died right now
I killed Sniper Wolf who was absurdly hot
And then murdered three guys and an evil robot
'Til Liquid Snake and I were left alone
He said that I was his brother and a superior clone
Then he died of a virus and thinking fast
Meryl saved us
I don't give a frog's fat ass
Then we stayed together until the seven year itch
And now you know the simple plot of Metal Gear bitch!

Listen Snake I've taken all I can take
Just because your game is simple doesn't mean that it's lame
Tell them, kid from Paperboy
Yo, I deliver those papers!
The guy from Elevator Action
Uh, elevators?
Okay!

Dear God
Why can't I just have a single panel of guests
Who can say their plots in forty fuckin' minutes or less
Now just watch me, Snake before you make me reach for a gun
I'll summarize your game
And show you how this shit is really motherfuckin' done!
How it's motherfuckin' done!
You sneak around and save the world. The End

My God, can I get a replacement guest
With a simple plot please?
Hi, I'm Sora from Kingdom Hearts!
Nooooooooooo!